The after effect...part 2

As I ran out of the house and into the freezing cold I could not keep it together....the tears wouldn't stop falling which pissed me off because I wanted to remain strong and not let anyone know what had just happened but on that morning my emotions got the better of me and I allowed myself to just loose it...so much so that I never put my coat on...which I only realized once my best friend, at the time, reminded me of after I called her and she picked me up, I was like a walking frozen zombie. She asked if I was crazy standing outside with no coat on, I didn't really have an answer, just sat in the car looking crazy and saying over and over and over in my head....did that really just happen? Finally I just let it all out....I think I cried, screamed  and did a lot of cursing the rest of that day off and on. I told my friend what happened and she is the one who convinced me to go to the hospital who in turn called the police which just made my day worse. As I lay on the bed while they took samples and swabbed for any dna evidence I began to shake with fear so much that everyone thought I was still cold. But no, I was terrified of what I may have. I stared a the ceiling thinking to myself, what if I'm hiv positive, what if I have a disease what if...what if...until I drove myself crazy(btw clean bill of health) Finally the police arrived. While I respect the cops, they should never ever ever ever and I mean EVER send a man to take a rape report. Their first question to me was...so tell us "what happened?", obviously the need to know so fine...I go through the whole story again and one of them very rudely stops me and asks "how tight was my sweater?" the other one asked "was the sex consensual?" AND OMG I freaking lost it on the both of them. If I'm filing a rape report...how was it consensual? I didn't want to talk to them or anyone else for that matter. I don't think they meant to be idiots, I'm sure they were "just doing their job" but it made me feel as though I was walking around yelling "HEY!!!! someone please come and violate me". I had already explained to them that I knew these guys since elementary school and their parents knew my parents and never would I have thought they would have done to me what they did. Besides I was already annoyed with myself more than anyone, I yelled at myself for getting in the car, for getting out the car and going in the house, for even going out and having a good time...but then I realized no matter what I should have or should not have done that doesn't give anyone the right to take from me what is not theirs to take. I was constantly reassured from friends that it wasn't my fault... I tried so hard to believe it and just move on but that night was burned in my head and continued to play over the next few years to the point of haunting me. Every time I closed my eyes to sleep I was back in that house reliving it again and again until soon it began to disrupt my day to day life. I stopped hanging out with my friends, stopped talking to people and barely went to classes until the only thing I did was work  and go home to cry alone. I became very distant, bitter and overflowing with pure hate. I think I hated being me the most. I took a bottle of sleeping pills and woke up two days later in the hospital. Ughhhhhhhh, I yelled to myself...why am I still alive? Literally I screamed it out so pissed, "I don't want to be here" and just then a nurse walked in so sweet and smiling letting me know "It's a miracle your still alive, your land lord got you here just in time" (my landlord had come to fix my sink and when I didn't answer she let herself in) she went on to ask me if I want to talk to anyone about why I want to take my life. I shook my head no. The day I was being discharged a psychologist asked me if I would be willing to voluntarily admit myself to an institute for a little while so they can be sure I'm ok. I knew I needed the help but I refused to go. I tried one more time after that to take my life and failed yet again. Obviously I'm supposed to be here, I thought to myself, but for what? I wasn't able to maintain a relationship because the thought of any guy touching me or having sex made me want to vomit, so why does God want me to go on living? Does he enjoy seeing me live a hell on earth life every day, waking up every night because my dreams are always invaded by the same reoccurring nightmare? WTF? Why can't I just have some peace? Those douche bags get to move on like nothing ever happened and I'm stuck, not able to move forward. It wasn't fair and it seemed that my life would never be normal again. Over the next few years things for me just spiraled rapidly downward. When I did decide to date again I made the most God awful choices in men and found myself in an abusive relationship. I so loathed my very existence.

** I will be doing this blog in parts, so it is not so much to read.  Thank you so much for taking the time to read about my story. I will be back on Tuesday January 17, 2012

Rape! One word that changed my life forever...no, it wasn't recent, it was actually many years ago but it left a scar...nah, you can't see it because no one can physically see a broken heart, but if you survived a rape attack, you know exactly how broken I felt and sometimes still feel...I do my best to hide it...you know, "move on" like people always say (which btw I fucking hate when they say that as if your bf broke up with u geez)...I have moved on but its always there, like how a picture doesn't move but the eyes seem to follow you, it's kinda like that...I decided to write a blog for the first time because I realized that I don't need to move on so much as I need to heal...maybe it's sooooo corny to say "I wanna help other girls, but....corny or not it is the absolute truth". So here goes...the night that changed my life forever.  I was in my college, I think my second year (still so fuzzy sometimes) anyways...I let my girls drag me to play pool and go dancing, ya know, like a girls night. I do not drink at alllllll no beer, liquor or wine just pepsi (^^) as we were having a good time I ran into some guys from my high school. We laughed, joked etc...as me and my girls were leaving we were surprised to see there was like 3" or more of snow already and it was freeeeeeeeeeeeezing cold outside, it was February like 10 degrees...no biggie for us girls because we all lived walking distance besides we're New York'rs we travel in any kind of weather when were hungry, even the snow. I volunteered to do the food run to white castle because my old school mates offered to give me a ride. Please, before anyone calls me names and lectures me remember I knew them since like elementary school, our families were friends so I had no reason not to trust them...I got in the car with $20 for some white castle, but never made it. We laughed at our high school teachers and joked on our year book pics....I had so much fun catching up I didn't realize we passed white caste long ago and by the time I noticed we were in a residential neighborhood and the driver stopped in front of a house. Right away I was like ummmmm WTF, but one of them assured me, "I left my money, ima run inside and be right back" I said "oooh ok kool" still not thinking anything bad but I did start to feel a little random being the only girl in a car of 3 guys, I remember saying to myself  "hey I'm in the front seat and the key is in the ignition so I could always just leave them here if i feel unsafe" but I told myself I'm being silly because there good guys. This was a quick thought of course because he was in the house for a minute or so before he called in his friends one at a time and lastly they yelled out of the door words I will never forget "hey, take the key out of the ignition and come inside, Tony can't find his wallet". I yelled back "ok I'll just wait in the car for you guys" he yelled back "ok" but then like 2 minutes later he said "hey we need the key" so I took it out and threw it to him. Of course in the snow, the moment u turn your car off it's getting cold right away so screw it  I told myself..."quit worrying, you know them a long time crazy, they would never do anything to you".  Well that is what I thought...as soon as I opened the front door Tony grabbed me and the other two held me down..I was in shock, fear and pissed off all rolled in one. All I could do was scratch at their flesh. I thought I was screaming, which I was but it was like that nightmare where u scream your lungs out but not a peep comes out....yea...that's what happened...my scream wouldn't come out...maybe because I was so scared they were gonna kill me. I have no words that can even come close to the rage, the hurt, the brokeness...so much shit in my head as I lay  there while they spilled semen on me, one at a time. I have no idea how long it took it could have been minutes or hours and idk if I passed out or was unconscious but I will never forget when I opened my eyes...I was so so so sooooooooo happy to be alive but just as quick as I was happy bitterness and rage consumed me as I looked at them laying there sleeping. WTF who rapes someone and then goes to sleep? Maybe they chocked me and thought I was dead idk but it had to be God himself that kept me from killing all of them. They had a kitchen full of knives...but I couldn't do it...I wasn't gonna spend my life in jail for these dirt bags...I wouldn't do it for the simple fact that there mothers don't deserve to be broken hearted because of their sons actions. I will be doing this blog in parts, so it is not so much to read. I will be back on Saturday, January 14th 2012. 

**If you read this please please don't give up on yourself. To the millions of women who have survived being raped ...lets not just survive lets LIVE!!