Rape! One word that changed my life forever...no, it wasn't recent, it was actually many years ago but it left a scar...nah, you can't see it because no one can physically see a broken heart, but if you survived a rape attack, you know exactly how broken I felt and sometimes still feel...I do my best to hide it...you know, "move on" like people always say (which btw I fucking hate when they say that as if your bf broke up with u geez)...I have moved on but its always there, like how a picture doesn't move but the eyes seem to follow you, it's kinda like that...I decided to write a blog for the first time because I realized that I don't need to move on so much as I need to heal...maybe it's sooooo corny to say "I wanna help other girls, but....corny or not it is the absolute truth". So here goes...the night that changed my life forever.  I was in my college, I think my second year (still so fuzzy sometimes) anyways...I let my girls drag me to play pool and go dancing, ya know, like a girls night. I do not drink at alllllll no beer, liquor or wine just pepsi (^^) as we were having a good time I ran into some guys from my high school. We laughed, joked etc...as me and my girls were leaving we were surprised to see there was like 3" or more of snow already and it was freeeeeeeeeeeeezing cold outside, it was February like 10 degrees...no biggie for us girls because we all lived walking distance besides we're New York'rs we travel in any kind of weather when were hungry, even the snow. I volunteered to do the food run to white castle because my old school mates offered to give me a ride. Please, before anyone calls me names and lectures me remember I knew them since like elementary school, our families were friends so I had no reason not to trust them...I got in the car with $20 for some white castle, but never made it. We laughed at our high school teachers and joked on our year book pics....I had so much fun catching up I didn't realize we passed white caste long ago and by the time I noticed we were in a residential neighborhood and the driver stopped in front of a house. Right away I was like ummmmm WTF, but one of them assured me, "I left my money, ima run inside and be right back" I said "oooh ok kool" still not thinking anything bad but I did start to feel a little random being the only girl in a car of 3 guys, I remember saying to myself  "hey I'm in the front seat and the key is in the ignition so I could always just leave them here if i feel unsafe" but I told myself I'm being silly because there good guys. This was a quick thought of course because he was in the house for a minute or so before he called in his friends one at a time and lastly they yelled out of the door words I will never forget "hey, take the key out of the ignition and come inside, Tony can't find his wallet". I yelled back "ok I'll just wait in the car for you guys" he yelled back "ok" but then like 2 minutes later he said "hey we need the key" so I took it out and threw it to him. Of course in the snow, the moment u turn your car off it's getting cold right away so screw it  I told myself..."quit worrying, you know them a long time crazy, they would never do anything to you".  Well that is what I thought...as soon as I opened the front door Tony grabbed me and the other two held me down..I was in shock, fear and pissed off all rolled in one. All I could do was scratch at their flesh. I thought I was screaming, which I was but it was like that nightmare where u scream your lungs out but not a peep comes out....yea...that's what happened...my scream wouldn't come out...maybe because I was so scared they were gonna kill me. I have no words that can even come close to the rage, the hurt, the brokeness...so much shit in my head as I lay  there while they spilled semen on me, one at a time. I have no idea how long it took it could have been minutes or hours and idk if I passed out or was unconscious but I will never forget when I opened my eyes...I was so so so sooooooooo happy to be alive but just as quick as I was happy bitterness and rage consumed me as I looked at them laying there sleeping. WTF who rapes someone and then goes to sleep? Maybe they chocked me and thought I was dead idk but it had to be God himself that kept me from killing all of them. They had a kitchen full of knives...but I couldn't do it...I wasn't gonna spend my life in jail for these dirt bags...I wouldn't do it for the simple fact that there mothers don't deserve to be broken hearted because of their sons actions. I will be doing this blog in parts, so it is not so much to read. I will be back on Saturday, January 14th 2012. 

**If you read this please please don't give up on yourself. To the millions of women who have survived being raped ...lets not just survive lets LIVE!!